Happy Birthday

For many Birthday's are a reminder of getting older. For me while birthdays haven't always been the best in the world, it's a time to celebrate. To celebrate the things that you've done. To celebrate that you've survived another year. To celebrate the things to come. And to set goals for the upcoming year. It's a new beginning. A New Years 2.0 so to speak. Which like the real New Years has the possibility of disaster.

But that's no way to look at it. I'm excited to get older. Excited to see what my late 20s will bring me. Will it be easy? Hell to the no, but what is life is worth having ever easy.

So, as I take the weekend off of writing, ok, I'm going to try to still get in a few sentences in here and there, I'm going to enjoy the weekend of birthday relaxation and all around tomfullery.

Am I upset that some of my friends can't make it out for drinks? Hell no. We all have things in life that come up, but I'm going to celebrate none the less. Cause let's be honest if you can't celebrate the small things then what is there to celebrate.

That all being said join me in a happy dance of making it through another year and for all the exciting times that the next year has to offer.

Play me a song, DJ

One thing that I can almost guarantee that I have going while I'm plugging away at my computer while trying to stay focused on my writing is to have my headphones on and music playing. Even when I'm at home I still put on my headphones to block out the world around me. Odd? Maybe, but it works for me. A lot of writers have there own rituals but this is one of mine. Along with doing the cliché writer thing and sit at a coffee shop with my laptop and overpriced coffee.

Not quite knowing what to post about this weekend I figured I'd share a playlist that I put together of random songs that I listen to while writing. I don't always listen to the same songs, but here are a few of the songs that I find repeatedly listening to. Yes, I even added a few guilty pleasure songs as well. Let's see which you can guess those are.

Without further ado, here is my writing playlist. I hope you enjoy.

Relit Spark

Last weekend I talked about getting notes back from my editor and that combination of both rational and irrational fear of wanting to read all her notes on what how we can make the core of the story of my manuscript better. Why I say both rational and irrational is because it's understandable to fear what someone is going to think of something that you have spent more ours working on then most people do on a project. Many people compare their manuscripts to babies. In a sense that's true. And no one likes to hear bad things about their babies.

Then why is that same fear irrational? Because me, as a writer, needs exactly what this editor and all editors offer us, constructive criticisms on how to make your manuscript the best it can be. Thus the excitement of having fresh eyes to help refresh that spark inside you that made you love the story to begin with. That spark is intoxicating and the reason why authors love writing new story ideas which can create the black hole of new stories without finishing a book. Anyways, I digress, editor notes are exciting.

It took me a all day to get the courage finally open up the file that in reality proved why my original fear of having my manuscript be torn apart as 100% irrational. Everything said I found my self nodding in agreement with. Ok there were a few things that at first I didn't agree with but after talking it over realized what was really being said only to find myself doing the "doh, okay you're totally right." Everything that was said was perfectly verbalized what I couldn't have say myself.

I'd personally hit that wall where i didn't know how to fix it. I knew something was wrong with the manuscript. I just couldn't see the specifics. My editor found that. No need for my fears, there was no ripping my manuscript apart. No telling me that I shouldn't be writing. Nope only good critics on what wasn't working and possible ways on how to make it better. I didn't know how I'd feel about what would be said. Guess what? I can't stop smiling. Who knew?

So many things need to be redone and fixed. You know what? I'm not terrified. You'd think that with that first irrational/rational fear that I might still be scared, but I'm not. I'm super excited. There's a lot that needs to be fixed. Things that will take a lot of time. Still that doesn't scare me.

Let's do it! Let's take that once upon a time fear and keep that spark going riding it to the end. There are still going to be downs. There's always going to be more downs. It's about finding that spark again no matter how much it might seem like it's hiding. Let's do this! Let's dive into these revisions like there is no tomorrow.

One more step forward....

Today is the day. The day that I actually open up the edits and critique from my editor on my contemporary romance manuscript. While she, my editor, had sent it to me earlier in the week I had made a bet with a coworker that I could wait to open the files until after work on Friday. All for a cup of coffee. What can I say Starbucks adds up after a while and when in the end we both need a good cup of coffee we will take that bet. And guess what. I won, so he's buying this round.

Why didn't I open my edits before this weekend when that's all I've been dying to do sinceI sent my manuscript to my editor? Well, I say it's so that I do throw myself into the edits, not getting any sleep, and thus distracting myself while i'm at the day job making it impossible to get any work done that I actually get paid to do. I'll let you in a on a little bit of a secrete. That excuse is exactly that. An excuse. A copout to avoid the realization of a big fear that all writers have. Especially in the beginning and I'm sure will stick around later on in our careers. It's the fear that you work. That manuscript that is a piece of yourself that you bleed over might not be fixable. That there is no way that it is good enough to even spend the time editing.

I'll let you in on another secrete. While that is a reasonable fear, it's totally irrational. No matter how much you realize that there is no reason to believe that. That if you are willing to put in the time and effort into it there is no such thing as unable to fix it. There is no, this work is so bad that you should trash the idea. Cause in the end it's all fixable. It's just different degrees of what you need to do before you are able to push that wonderful publish button.

So, here I am at my desk instead of at the coffee shop I frequent on weekends to write, with the files open but hiding behind the internet browser as I type this blog and I'm over thinking it. As much as I tell myself that i realize that the fears I have are reasonable but irrational yet with the contradiction of the excitement of finally being able to take that next step forward to getting my manuscript published, and I can't make myself look.

I'm seriously yelling at myself to do it. Yet I've done pretty much almost everything that needs to be done as procrastination first. Desk is clean, though don't look anywhere else but the desk cause that's a mess. I have my corkboard at the ready to post notes of what needs to be changed so I have easy reference while I type. I have pens, post it notes, index cards, coffee consumed and now this blog being written. And for what? To post pone the ineffable.

I know that I've chosen the right edit on this project. Everything she has to say is constructive. Not to tear my work or myself as a newbie author down, but to help reshape my work, my newbie knowledge into something that is worth people reading over and over again. She is a master at what she does. She is that missing puzzle piece that i need to help make my work complete. Ok that might not be the best metaphor but you get the point.

The point is that having a good editor is the goal. Having the notes on what you can't see is wrong but know in your gut is there. So why am I freaking myself out over this? Cause we are all human.

And cause I refuse to let my fears rule me, I'm going to dive into the edits today. I'm going to read over her notes, write them down on index cards and make a game plan into something that isn't quite as intimadating as all the notes open and your manuscript on your desktop. One thing that is just as important, or is to me at least, is to not over think it as well as not jumping in too fast and making changes that in the end don't feel right. Measure twice, cut once. That's my plan. A doable one at that.

Today is the day. That first real moment in my writing career where I realize that this is it. I am a "real" writer. I've taken that next step to not turn around running cause that dream of being published is becoming a reality. As scary as it is, I can't wait for more today is the day moments.

Facing Fears to Chase Dreams

Today my big sister is taking another step to chasing her new dream in music by auditioning for the TV show The Voice. She had done it last year on a whim because she wanted to face her fear of speaking/singing in public. She had a court case that I'm so proud that she stood up for women rights and in that she found her dream. For that I couldn't be more proud of her.

Ty has always had an amazing voice with the natural ability to project so that the people in the back of a room can hear her. Like many talented kids growing up people teased that she didn't need a microphone during a solo and as Ty grew up she kept to only singing in the car and out of public. That is until the last year. Ty has found her voice in so many different ways this last year that I couldn't be a prouder little sister.

All of us kids had a hand in music one way or another growing up, piano, trumpet, drums, trombone, etc. That through one struggle in life that Ty had found her passion again I'm so excited to see her grow in it and by facing her fears she's growing more and more. And now here she is once afraid to sing in public singing at the top of her lungs for all to hear at Karaoke nights at bars, looking for bands that need a singer, and auditioning for a major TV show about singing.

As I'm sitting here in my usual weekend coffee shop with another window open on my current work in progress, with edits coming from my editor in the next few days I can't seem to not smile. Chasing your dream in one thing. It's hard and not everyone understands it. It's called a dream for a reason cause so many people can't get to it. It stays just that, a dream. Then when you start chasing it in real you get this high of excitement that you're actually doing it, even in the low struggling moments you can't help but feel this satisfaction that you are doing it. Then comes the next wave of fear. Not that you are chasing your dream, but that it might actually become a reality.

I've found that many people go running for the hills again when there dreams are a reality so real that they can't believe it and turn away, once again turning it into a dream. That I'm getting closer to my own dreams of being a published author I'm seeing people in a new light. Those who have the inner strength to take the risk of chasing there dream, those who don't believe that they can do it thus never trying, those who deny that it's possible to have a dream turned reality, and those who have a dream but can't see that they have the inner strength to be able to chase there dreams.

I've watched my sister change over time so that she is now seeing that she can have her dreams even through the ups and downs the journey of it is what really matters. I'm so proud that she hasn't given up. She is she thriving more than ever in this new stage of her life to let others enjoy the sounds of her voice as much as she loves singing. I will always treasure our times together in the car, windows rolled down, music blasting, and us singing at the top of our lungs (me not so in tune with the music) not caring if she looked like crazy people to others that drive past us.

It's taken in a while to realize this, but don't fear that talent that you have. Embrace it. It's something that others may not understand yet that usually goes the same with dreams. There is only one person that needs to understand that, and that's you.

While thinking of my sister I can't stop being proud of everyone that finds that thing that makes you smile uncontrollably. It has become more and more normal for people to take up things that make them miserable and settle for it. Thinking that being sad, depressed, and hating your job is what life is supposed to be. It's not. Don't let anyone make you ashamed of your dreams or talents.

Good luck big sister in your big audition! I'm so proud of you that you are finding the person I've always seen inside you that peaks it's glittery fabulous head out when you bust out in song. You inspire me to keep chasing my own dreams and one reason why I come on hear to talk about my own journey, in hopes that even in my downs that I can help inspire others to do the same. It may not be in writing, but I hope that everyone else can find that uncontrollable happy smile that they get when they are doing something that they love. Ty I'm happy that you can join the club in helping spread that love and inspiration.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to get back to my work in progress. I've got edits coming back this week. Know what that means? One step closer to my own dream. Yes as terrifying as it is I can't stop smiling.

Did I always know...

I was wondering what to post about today since yesterday I had spent my morning at the car dealership getting my car worked on followed by a long skype session with the bestie who lives out of state. Ending the day with an epic headache (must make sure to eat food through the day, very important) I hadn't gotten to writing anything. So, here I am sitting in my usual coffee shop on the weekend with my manuscript ready to send out tomorrow to my editor wondering what to blog about. This past week a lot of people have posted some very personal blog that I think everyone can relate to -- battling depression, body issues, pushing off taking care of yourself in battling of reaching your dream, and also what self publishers are making. All very different yet all very personal.

Which got me thinking, should I talk about my own battles of the black hole that is depression, or my struggles of doubt, of body issues, of insecurity? I've pretty much have been honest on here about all of those this, cause of one reason, I have to talk about my demons to let them know that I know they are there. That I am their food. That I am also the one that can destroy them. (Thanks Laurell K Hamilton for that comparison. Wish I could take credit for it, but I'm not. It was totally that wonderful author).

Then I got to thinking I hear all these other authors talking about how they pretty much have always known that they wanted to a writer, in one form or another, but what about me? Did I always know that I wanted to write?

I remember wanting to be a lot of things growing up, but never once did I stick to one thing for most of my childhood. Though one thing is certain, I've always loved books. No matter how hard it was to read at times (thanks dyslexia), I still loved books. There is a great photo of me on a long roadtrip in our family van with me passed out with a book open on my chest with my pink chucks with tweety bird on them that the bottom read 'thats all folks". I've also had my Grandmother talk to my sister to about my reading Harry Potter for long hours to make sure that I knew the difference of reality and not. That wizards didn't exist and to her they were evil bad things. Gotta love the traditional Grandmother. But the fact was this I loved books. I was a horrible speller (still am), have dyslexia (Still struggle with it) and am easily distracted (oooo shiny object). But here's the thing I love a good story, period.

I've gone through the phases of wanting to be a vet cause I love animals, but can't stand seeing them hurt. I've gone to film school cause I loved the visuals of movies and that they can transport you to a different world (oh just like a good book). I've wanted to travel the world (Still do). I've wanted to be pretty much everything, but the gist of this I've always known I wanted to be apart of the creative world in one way or another. Let it be the logistic side of things or something else, I've always wanted to be a part of it.

I just never thought that I'd be the one doing all the creative writing developing aspect of things. The doubts of struggling with learning disabilities (dyslexia and all that goes with it) made me believe that I couldn't be good enough to be apart of that creativity. I know better now.

It wasn't until I was in college that a spoken word poet told me that I should write something during summer break that I was bored out of my mind for that I truly took up a pen. Though I will admit that it took me a while to realize that he didn't mean poetry. Thus that summer began my exploration of writing down an idea for what has over the years developed into my paranormal romance. Originally I thought it to be a book (or something of), turned into a screenplay (yup I learned quickly that I'm not good at writing those) and went back to turning it into a novel. Did I know that I wanted to publish it? Nope. I had no plans what so ever other than to do something creative with my time.

By the time I was finished with University I had almost finished a book, starting another, and with more notes of future work I still am not sure that I will get to them all. Like the rest of the college grads I struggled to find work. All in that time writing kept me sane. It kept my head above water as the black hole of depression was working over time to suck me in.

It was then that I realized this....I am a writer. I want to keep writing no matter where I end up in life I want to keep creating stories. And as more time went by with research and figuring out what goes into publishing I figured things out. That I will be a published author. That I want to have my work be in the hands of other, no matter how insecure I've been and will be of my work, I want others to enjoy it.

Since that moment say five years ago I knew. I knew then that I was going to be a writer. It was last year that I knew that I was going to be in the logistical side as well. I am going to be a business owner as well as writer.

Did I know that I was destined to write? No. Maybe in my subconscious I knew on some level. But it wasn't until adulthood or the beginning of where I began the search of who am I that found that I was destined to be a story teller.

There you go, my origin story into realizing that I was going to be a writer. It might have taken time to realize it, but I don't regret the journey I took to get here. And I hope that I can create stories that helped me escape reality when times were hard and end with a smile on my face.

Questioning yourself...

Last weekend was the first time I'd attended the local RWA (Romance Writers of America) meeting. This is where once a month members of the RWA gather for a class and meeting. I've attended the National Conference they have once a year before but I've always chickened out attended a local meeting. Why is it that I'm fine attending large conferences but the small meetings freak me out?

Well let me tell you...I start questioning everything! I question will I fit in? Will they know that I'm the fraud want to be author that will never make it? Will they judge me that I'm pursuing self publishing? They will see all my insecurities and KNOW EVERYTHING! Then I talk myself into stop being stupid with all these insecurities. Everyone I've ever met at a conference has always been sweet. I've never not felt welcome in a group of writers. Quite the opposite actually, but still these doubts and insecurities sneak in making me quite going to the meetings before I even go.

It's this over thinking, over analyzing things that I have no control over that makes me quit before I even start. The funny thing is this last weekend before the meeting started I forced myself into not thinking. Do one thing at a time, pay for attendance a head of time, get dressed, get in the car, drive to Berkeley, find the place, double check I'm in the right location, walk in, find a seat and sit my butt down.

And guess what! I did it! I went to my first local RWA and I regret NOTHING! They had a class on social media/marketing before and after publishing your book and it was a great class. I learned a lot and also confirmed that I'm starting with a good foundation of starting my career off. I'm not afraid to make the time to do social media before I'm even published, I'm not scared to do the marketing/branding on my own. All of which is a part of the business that not a lot of writers like doing.

I'll admit to a funny story that happened while I first got to the meeting. I was so nervous I immediately asked where the restroom was and when I came back to find a seat in the front row of the small room (everyone had gotten a seat before me) and realized I left my cell phone in the bathroom stall. When I realized this a few seconds after I sat down I wanted to fall forward on the table and thump my head on it in stupidity. Not wanting to forever lose my phone in a brewery bathroom I found a moment where people weren't talking too much and practically ran out of the room down the stairs to the bathroom. Yup my phone was still there. But I felt like a complete doofus for leaving it and literally turning around the second I sit down in the front row. Hands shaking that everyone will remember the girl with purple hair that practically ran out of the room I pulled out my notepad and forced myself to relax. 

The rest of the meeting went without any issues and I'm glad I stayed. I talked to one person and glad I did. Next time I go I will make sure to talk more and maybe even stay for lunch to interact more with local writers. While I love my writer friends across the country it would be nice to have someone local that understands the writer me.

So, here's the moral of the story....don't over think. Follow your gut and stop questioning it. As you can see from my over thinking I've put myself back months on meeting with local writers that I could become friends with. I've done this in the past with some of my writing. All of which I now smack myself over the head for.

My gut has been right more times than not, and it's the questioning the over thinking that ends up putting me back in a place that was father back in my writing or my career than I should be. It's only been in this last year or so that I've come to really understand the over thinking. When I catch myself doing it I literally give myself a pep talk to stop. To really look at why I'm doing it. In the end it's looking for an excuse. Don't do that.

So I won't over think going to RWA meetings or hopefully much else in my writing career. Oh I know that it will happen again and again, but I wont let it consume me. To stop me from achieving my goals. That being said I'm off to do some writing. I'm getting closer and closer to finishing the first draft of a new manuscript and can't wait to get it done before I get edits back from editors.

That will be a new challenge in its self in not overthinking or analyzing. A challenge that I'm excited to take on and share the rest of my journey with you all.