Why I Post Pep Talks....

....A lot of them at that in my opinion.  *Warning this post will have cursing. Sorry if you're offended by curse words* This will be an intense blog today...and rather hard for me to share but here it goes.

Most of the posts on here you will notice have a lot of positivity and encouraging words when it comes to pursuing mine and others writing career and very little else about my personal life.

Why is that? Let me tell you....my every day life is rather boring. Weekdays I wake up drive an hour to work. I play with numbers all day then sit in traffic until I finally get home and then what? Then the usual decompress stuff and tasks that you have to do to keep your life running on a daily bases and on top of that? I try to get in a little reading or writing. Or for this months case, editing. See not so exciting.

Out side of my day job and the daily tasks it takes to keep life going, I try to spend as much time focusing on building my writing career. That means research, both for my work in progress and seeing what others are writing in my genre, networking, writing, editing, building my platform. All things that take up a lot of time. That also means that I've cut out a lot of things that people might be doing at my age. That means going out and partying it up. (I'm not much of a partyier now that I'm out of college) And I have a responsible streak through me that is a mile wide.

Growing up I've had a hard life. Not as hard as many but I've had more than my fair share of struggles and one thing that I've learned is that Misery likes company. With that I try to find the positive, glass half full, as much as possible. Trust me it's not easy. When all you see is despair that feels as if the world is going to end and nothing can go right, it is the hardest thing in the world to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Doing this is the only way that I can fight off depression, which runs in my family, and I personally battle. But here is the big thing....I don't let it rule who I am and what I do.

Falling into the depths of depression is easy. All you want to do is stay in your comfortable cave of safety, stare off into space while you wrap yourself in the blanket of familiarity. It's welcoming and easy to 'deal' with since you lock yourself away from the rest of the world. No one can hurt you if you don't go out. You wont fail if you don't try.

I refuse to let myself fall into this death trap that is depression and despair. So, as strong as I seem, I fight every day to stay away from the cave. To keep from letting myself get sucked back into the welcoming darkness that only wants to embrace you. By staying positive is how I do it. I shove all those negative thoughts out the window no matter how hard they fight back leaving me battered along the way.

Don't get my wrong, there are days where I want to drop to my knees in defeat of the doubts all creative types have and cry till it doesn't hurt any more. And they happen more than they should. But I refuse to let the darkness of depression and self doubt rule my life. I refuse to allow myself to fall apart because someone says that I shouldn't do something. It only drives me to prove them wrong. To prove to myself that I can do it.

It's those days that I push through it. I give myself the pep talk I give my friends. If you're going to look at the past only do so at a glance of your successes. Don't look at your so called failures. Then push forward to strive to do better than before. No one is perfect. All you can do is your best and with each time you do something you will improve. Like the wise Yoda says, "Do or do not. There is no try." That is so true on so many levels.

If you want to write a book. Then write a book. If you want to learn how to walk on your hands, then start doing push ups and practice your hand stands. Cause you can learn to walk on your hands. If you want to learn a language, then you can learn it.

Life is far from easy and if it can pull you down, down it will. Like any good fighter you have to keep getting back up. It may take more and more time occasionally to get back up, but it's those who keep getting back up head held high that are the ones that reach their goals in the end.

That's why I write a lot of positive pep talk like posts on here. Not just for you all, but for me. Selfish as it sounds. It's something that I'd rather be selfish about. I mean seriously, there are worst things to be selfish about.

Personally I'd like to reach my goal of being able to do what I love while making a living at it. And as stubborn as I am it's hard for me to ask for a pep talk when I need it. I wallow a little. I procrastinate. I criticize myself for beating myself up and then I put my big girl panties and tell myself to man up. But your a girl? How can you man up? Well let me tell you this...if I can bleed for a week and not die. If I can survive everything that I've been through. Even playing rugby with the boys, then by damn it I can tell myself to man up and grow some balls. In my case ovaries.

If you just sit there complaining and wallowing about what everyone one else is doing then you are never going to do it. So, I give pep talks while I talk about my struggles in writing. I give pep talks in the good news, the new lessons I learn and the adventures I take in the process of reaching my goals.

Fuck Misery. Fuck Depression. Fuck Doubts. Fuck the naysayers. Fuck negativity from others and yourself. Fuck everyone else who judges you for doing what you love doing. Fuck people who don't understand. Fuck what you are 'supposed' to do. Fuck the people who say you aren't good enough. Fuck yourself for doubting that you're not good enough.

"Of course you would write that." I've had people close to me say. Same goes with reading, watching, etc. Well no SHIT! I read, watch, and write genres that I enjoy. Why else would I spend so much of my time pursuing it.

This is why I write pep talks. For those who might randomly stumble across my blog who are in need of something a little positive. For those who are curious about learning about the writing world, cause I'm going to keep writing about my every step of my journey. Most importantly for myself.

If you don't face your fears of success and of failure then you are never going achieve it. So, fuck it, go and follow your dreams no matter where they may lead you. It's never an easy way there so bring your sledge hammer to help break down those barriers. And if you do have tears that fall, let them be tears of joy for when you bypass those barriers. Let them be tears of realization that you can do it. Of relief and not tears of regret or defeat.

I am a warrior.

I am a writer.

I fight my battles to be able to give someone something to use as an escape. I fight my battles to help people get through those hard times that they can't see the light. I fight my battles so that I can keep the light lit at the end of my tunnel that is always at odds with the little flame that wants to stay lit.

I am not alone. No matter how much it might feel at times.

I am me. Love me or hate me. Either way I will not change who I am for anyone. And neither should you.

Not Ready Yet...

I find that each time that I get a light bulb going off in your head moment about a piece of work your have pushed to the side or are currently working on it's almost as if you now know the meaning of life. With it also means that there is a lot more work that needs to go into the manuscript.

One of those things that I had a light bulb moment is when it comes to writers block on a story. You've tried to find that one moment where the story and characters decided to take a path that lead to a dead end. You've tried to find the main road and you just can't get it. Either you don't know the world you're creating well enough or you don't know your characters or are missing/need to kill someone off. In the end this is thing thing that made me realize why I can't climb or blast my way through the road block, THEIR STORY ISN'T READY TO BE TOLD YET.

Que end of world noises. But how can that be? How can their story not be told yet? I know the people I'm writing about, or think I do, and I know how I want it to end. I just can't get there some how. Well that's just it. Your characters aren't ready. Or you, yourself, aren't ready to dive there to tell the story that the characters deserve to be told.

I've had this with my first MS I've ever written. So to speak. I got the whole thing done no problem. Victory in itself. When I went to try to edit the thing, I killed the first chapter.

How do you kill a chapter? Or a MS? You over edit the thing to the point where something that was workable is in need of a total rewrite or delete the whole thing. After weeks of one chapter I was fed up frustrated and was starting to hate myself and my work. With new characters vying for my attention I decided that it was time to step away from that first MS. I was too close to it to give it any justice. In the end their story wasn't ready.

Finally coming back to the story years later I read through the MS. And it was crap. Like all first drafts. Like all first novels. But the story and characters are all apart of me wanting to be told. So thinking it might be time, I went back at it. Doing a full rewrite. Crazy I know.  But then I hit that wall.

Not only was the characters and story evolving again from concept to the point where I'm at now, but there are parts of the story that aren't ready. I had huge pieces of the puzzle but now that the characters wanted more attention. To be told in 3rd person instead of 1st, there was so much more that needed to be said. Either I or my characters weren't ready.

While I had this 100k first MS to work off of and had a general idea for book two I had the second light bulb moment. I need more time. They need more time and space for the story to be told. What I thought was the end of book 1 isn't really the end. In fact it might be the end to book 3. This though knocked me right on my ass. Holy shit! I was trying to force too much into one book.

Slowly that was of the writers block started to fall apart and I was able to find more pieces of the puzzle. Still the wall stands shorter than it once was, yet just barely too tall to climb over without some help.

While I've technically had started this story since I was 20 the characters haven't been ready yet. The story is evolving more and more each day even when I'm not really thinking about it. and then you have a light bulb moment that is leaps and bounds farther down the line then you thought you'd be without it. This story wasn't ready yet until I was mature enough to handle it. Same with the characters. We've all grown up and are just about ready to tell their story.

The latest light bulb moment has me rearranging the whole story again. And for once the wall if I jump I can feel the top of the wall. Soon I'll be scrambling over the top and you all will finally have the story next year. With any hopes in time for my 27th birthday.

It's kind of amazing just how much you can realize with a little light bulb moment as your not ready yet. While it's a hard hit to the ego in the end it makes sense. If you want to put out the best story you will listen to your characters and not force it. You will wait til you and the story are ready to be told.

And I'm glad that I've waited to tell this story cause if you ask me it's pretty epic. I know I'm evil by not telling you more. You will just have to wait till the story is ready. :)

Support System & My Path to Publishing

It's one thing to have your family and friends support while diving into the journey of wanting to be a novelist but it's something completely different to have a group of friends that are writers as well. Or at least people who are in the industry. It's these people who completely understand everything that you are going through. They know what it's like to be on deadline for a month or longer. What it's like to have your friends question why you stop going to hang out when you're not even getting paid for your 'hobby'.

Since going to RT13 I hadn't fully understood what it meant to have that type of support. It's so encouraging to cheer on your friends and read their works. The encouragement and motivation that you get not only from them cheering you on but from seeing their success is something that I've personally have never felt before when it comes to writing. And it's both amazing and terrifying at the same time.

You have all these thoughts of, are they right? Am I really that good of a writer as they say I am? Or are they just saying that cause they don't want to hurt my feelings? Then you see them going on an accelerated path than you are, you wonder if you're doing it right.

Let me tell you what I have to tell myself every single day. Screw everyone else. Keep the positive people close and lock out the naysayers. The pace and path you are taking to being a published is yours alone. No one person in this industry does things the same way. Timings are always different. Writing styles are different. And how people published is different. What works for one person doesn't work for another. Everyone is talented at different things and at different levels. Jealously will happen. It's normal, but don't let it fuel you to hate what something you love or make you run from your goals.

Me? I'm following the path that I feels right for me is that of a hybrid author. That is both traditional publishing and self publishing. I will be self publishing my work in ebook format as a self published author. I will continue doing this hopefully throughout my entire career. Following that I'm hoping to get a traditional publisher -- indie, small press, or NY publisher -- to make my work into print.

Why don't I print my books myself? Well here is the honest answer. I can't afford it. Case and point. Right now in my life I am financially responsible for myself. I do not have a husband or spouse to fall back upon to help my everyday life financially as I invest into my writing career. Even if I did, I'm not 100% I would print on my own. Don't get me wrong this doesn't mean that I wont do this eventually on my own, but for now it's just not for me.

After having written down my business plan/game plan for the next couple books I've set goals I think I can reach. Personally I wish I had more time to dedicate to writing and reading, but I can't. I've got a full time job to pay my bills and any other free time I dedicated as much to it to my writing. With the schedule I've penned down, I think I can keep to. The base of this plan is at least one book out a year. That's my goal.

With two series that I'd like to dive into with several stand alone books it's about marketing to figure out when and what order to have the books come out. It's not about which my muse wants to work on for that moment. If that were the case I'd be all over the place any my readers would be confused and might have to wait years for the following book in a a certain series as the other gets more attention. Personally I don't want that to happen. I want both my series to get enough attention from me. And with that the game plan of timing everything.

Now is my game plan/path set in stone? Hell no! Shit happens and I'm fine with moving things around as long as I reach my goal in the end. And that right now is to release one book a year. That is obtainable. Even with the costs of hiring editor what have NY publishing house experience and cover artists that are able to deliver the best cover art for my book. If I can do more then awesome. I will.

Personally it's not about making millions of dollars, as nice as it would be. It's able following my passion, making friends who are like minded and hopefully having people who enjoy my work to keep reading it. Even better would to be able to quit the day job in accounting and write full time so that I can get more and more work out their.

The challenge of being self published intrigues me with the business aspect having to be tackled on top of creative of developing the best product as possible. Cause in the end a novel is a product that you are delivering to the consumer aka the reader. It's going to take a lot of work and I'm willing.

Now if only my focus issues would go away I'd be a freaking machine. But guess what I'm not. I not always the fastest writer and I'm a slow self editor. I know my faults. But here's the big thing....I'm not letting them hold me back or stop me. Over time I will get faster and better. The only way to improve anything is by doing it more. Writing is something that I hope to never have to give up. It's now apart of me that I will fight to keep in my life.

With my cheering section and fellow writers who are the few people that get me I'm going to make my hybrid writing career happen. And I'm glad to have you with me along the way.

As with everything else in life there will be ups and downs with lots of doubts along the way. Just know that you can do anything that you put your mind to and to never compare yourself to others. I'm one of a kind and don't want to be like everyone else. Now, I've got some edits to do in hope to make my first release on time....which with hopes will be this Winter 2013. Oh, to those who join me on this journey with me, thank you. And I hope to present you with something this winter that you will love as much as I do.

Sexism Lives on in Todays World

Misogyny is something that all women battle with in their life. Even in todays world after we've come so far for equality. It still happens. And it's disheartening when it does, cause people let it slide by accepting it in silence. Breaking the silence on experiences that women go through isn't us complaining about this one time, but a way to educate people and the person that this is not okay to treat others beneath you. It's when you are silent that you are saying that it is okay for others to treat you like crap. That you accept the other persons judgement that you aren't good enough.

Cause it's not true. Just because you have a certain type of sex organs in your pants means that you can't excel in something that other sex is supposed to excel in.

I'm not just talking about women's rights her. I'm also talking about men who happen to excel in things that are deemed for women only. For right now let's just talk about writing and the publishing world.

For the last week or so a topic of 'lady writers' and 'lady editors' in the Science Fiction and Fantasy world has taken center view of equality. This is a topic that seems to take center stage every few years and now that it's 2013 the 'lady writers, the 'lady editors', and 'lady fans' of SFF are fighting back. Like every genre there has been a growing of subgenres underneath the larger umbrella. And with that people are breaking the traditional ways of how things are done while still staying true to the genre.

What what exactly are people bitching about? Well apparently some of the old school names in the SFF world as well as others believe that the traditional formula that is worked for them for decades for most don't like when things change. That means,  no sexist covers of scantally clad women in a chainmale bikini, with a manly man narrator with no sex, and the man saves the day, all in 3rd person narration.

Guess what not everyone wants to read that in SFF. So when Urban Fantasy as well as other SFF genres/subgenres started to be "invaded by ladies" who should have Barbie as a rolemodel (yes that was said by a SFF male author, cause every woman should just sit there look pretty, cook for the man, and not say a single word), it was unbelieveable that 'lady writers' could write just as well as these other men. And gasp in a different point of view. And gasp and their is sex. And gasp the woman saves the day.

One thing as a writer myself I've learned that you shouldn't write to someone else. Write what you want to read. Write what feels natural for you. And for those 'lady writers' they did that in the genre they loved. They just happened to do so in an urban setting (or even the traditional setting of SFF that apparently you shouldn't deviate from), in first person present tense from the female leads point of view, and holy hell there is sex (sex that the women actually enjoys), and believe it or not she saves the day.

My mind is just blown out of the water. Who knew that writers of the opposite sex can write in a genre just as well as others who have dominated that genre for years by doing so in their own way. They didn't stick to the cookie cutter version or try to imitate someone else. Which in reality never really turns out to be nearly as good then if you take the rains of your own imagination.

This doesn't just go with the SFF genre. This goes for all genres. Each one has a tendency to lean to one sex dominating over the other. If you really think about it most people tend to lean to reading something written by the same sex as they are no matter what genre it is. Maybe it's the tone that they write in, but I will admit that I tend to lean to this as well. I realize this and have been trying to break the subconscious decision to only read female writers. Don't get me wrong, I do have some favorite male authors. They just don't happen to be in my top 3. Why is that? Not sure.

Anyways back to the subject. Men don't dominate every genre. Women also have ours that we I'm sure we look upon the same way that some men do in the SFF, Horror, Mystery, etc, genres. Romance, Young Adult, and more are genres that women dominate. So don't judge a book by it's cover. Or I should say don't judge a book by the authors sex organs. They don't control how someone writes. If it does, well, then that's just a little awkward.

No matter what you write or edit, it doesn't mater what sex you are. They don't put gentlemen writer or lady writer before your name in an article or novel. Shit, if they start putting a giant stamp over the cover saying, 'Warning this book is written by this sex you've been warned" then we as a society have gone back in to a time that makes me more sad that these events already are.

Ironically many authors have taken pen names so that people wouldn't judge their work based on the authors sex. Case in point a name that everyone knows...J.K Rowlings. She didn't want people to not read about Harry Potter because she is a woman. By using her initials it put her gender a side for people to choose to read her work based on the summary of the book, nothing else.

Sadly this still happens in more than just the writing world. It happens in all work places people just don't talk about it. Which in case lets it be okay that people are being mistreated because of their gender. Even if that person is more than qualified in what they are doing, having proved themselves over time, they are still judged on not being as good as the gender that has dominated the field.

Stand tall in what you do. Be proud of the work that you have done, And FUCK EVERYONE ELSE who judges you. Hold your head up high and know that more times than not the reason people hare are because they are jealous. Because they don't have the strength, the knowledge, the creativity or the courage to do what you are doing. Don't let anyone tell you that you aren't good enough. YOU ARE! Don't let the knowledge that there will be trials stop you. Guess what life is hard. Plow through those barriers and don't look backing thinking I should've, could've, would've.

I've personally have gone through struggles of judgement by the opposite sex when playing rugby in college. It was a new team and so the few girls that wanted to play joined the boys team. No we couldn't play games as a mixed team, but we learned to be stronger plays with the boys. Not all the guys were judgmental about us girls out there. There were only a few that took it too far and they were later booted from the team, but after we had to scream at the male captains to open their eyes at practice. When they did, they were horrified at what was happening.

That quickly changed. But there were still girls who came to practice to play with the boys. They didn't last long after they realized that they would have to get dirty and actually be tackled. For the boys that did overly respect and think that us girls were breakable but still wanted us to play had to educate them that we do, A:  know how to take a hit on pitch, and B: know the difference between an intentional grope and not. It's a full contact sport. Touching each other is a requirement, but trust me when I say that we can tell the difference.

Stand up for your right in what you do. And do it with pride without hesitation that you shouldn't be doing it.

I am a woman. I write contemporary romance. I write paranormal. I write suspense. I am pursuing a career as a hybrid author, self-publishing and traditional. And my books all have sex in it. I am not ashamed of that. I know I can make my dreams into a reality. Letting the roadblocks of life and the industry a motivation to break through them instead of making me turn around running for the hills.

Squashing Doubts

It's been a week since I've made the announcement that I've decided to start on the path of being self published. Since then I've had one friend release her debut novel and another release her cover for her book that will be releasing later on in the year. And I'm so proud of these ladies that I'm vibrating with excitement for all the hard work that they have put into self publishing their work. Let me tell you their covers are drop dead gorgeous. Even though I've only known these girls for about a month now, and only a week of that in person, they have become a huge support of my writing as well as an amazing inspiration.

But it's those pesky doubts that are popping up in the back of my head as I've worked on changing my schedule to get the most progress done as possible that is holding back my progress. As I stare at the computer with a completed novel that I've been doing multiple edits on for what feels like a decade, in reality only 2 years, I start to question myself throwing a huge brick wall in any progress that might have been possible that day.

What doubts do you have? You've done so much already that there should be no doubts that you are doing the right thing. That's what I keep telling myself, but it's those annoying, your writing isn't good enough. Why are you even thinking about spending all this money that you don't have laying around to be spent if you are doubting yourself and your skills.

Well, let me tell you something doubts...FUCK OFF! I think these doubts are something that all authors deal with throughout their entire career. And the fact that I've decided to invest in myself and join the revolution of self publishing means that I will have to fight off more of these doubts than someone who has a publishing house that is investing in their work.

The fact that I have a completed work is something that I take much pride in. The fact that I have several other works in progress on top of holding down a full time job is something that I'm also proud of. The thing that I should be even more proud of is that I'm doing something with those works. I'm not hiding what I'm passionate about, so why am I doubting myself.

The only real answer that I can come up with for that questions is that I'm human. We are all full with doubts. It's what we do with them that defines us. Do we let the doubts turn in to fears that hold us back from everything that we want to do? FUCK NO! I will not let my doubts and fears hold me back in something that I'm wanting to turn into a full time career.

And with that I stand tall and say to myself, I'm a pre-published author and nothing happens overnight. It is the things that we struggle with and fight our way through that when we come out the other side feels the most satisfying. We can say we went through all this crap to come out the other side a better person.

 

One of my favorite quotes from an author comes from Frank Herbert in his first Dune novel about fear:

 

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
― Frank Herbert, Dune

 

I will not let fear be my mind killer. I will achieve my goals, like my friends who have self published and stand with glowing pride of all the things that I've done. And with that I will get back to my path and keep making progress on my work to reach my goal of being a published author.

 

Don't let doubts rule you. Squash your doubts and fears and reach for the stars.