....A lot of them at that in my opinion. *Warning this post will have cursing. Sorry if you're offended by curse words* This will be an intense blog today...and rather hard for me to share but here it goes.
Most of the posts on here you will notice have a lot of positivity and encouraging words when it comes to pursuing mine and others writing career and very little else about my personal life.
Why is that? Let me tell you....my every day life is rather boring. Weekdays I wake up drive an hour to work. I play with numbers all day then sit in traffic until I finally get home and then what? Then the usual decompress stuff and tasks that you have to do to keep your life running on a daily bases and on top of that? I try to get in a little reading or writing. Or for this months case, editing. See not so exciting.
Out side of my day job and the daily tasks it takes to keep life going, I try to spend as much time focusing on building my writing career. That means research, both for my work in progress and seeing what others are writing in my genre, networking, writing, editing, building my platform. All things that take up a lot of time. That also means that I've cut out a lot of things that people might be doing at my age. That means going out and partying it up. (I'm not much of a partyier now that I'm out of college) And I have a responsible streak through me that is a mile wide.
Growing up I've had a hard life. Not as hard as many but I've had more than my fair share of struggles and one thing that I've learned is that Misery likes company. With that I try to find the positive, glass half full, as much as possible. Trust me it's not easy. When all you see is despair that feels as if the world is going to end and nothing can go right, it is the hardest thing in the world to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Doing this is the only way that I can fight off depression, which runs in my family, and I personally battle. But here is the big thing....I don't let it rule who I am and what I do.
Falling into the depths of depression is easy. All you want to do is stay in your comfortable cave of safety, stare off into space while you wrap yourself in the blanket of familiarity. It's welcoming and easy to 'deal' with since you lock yourself away from the rest of the world. No one can hurt you if you don't go out. You wont fail if you don't try.
I refuse to let myself fall into this death trap that is depression and despair. So, as strong as I seem, I fight every day to stay away from the cave. To keep from letting myself get sucked back into the welcoming darkness that only wants to embrace you. By staying positive is how I do it. I shove all those negative thoughts out the window no matter how hard they fight back leaving me battered along the way.
Don't get my wrong, there are days where I want to drop to my knees in defeat of the doubts all creative types have and cry till it doesn't hurt any more. And they happen more than they should. But I refuse to let the darkness of depression and self doubt rule my life. I refuse to allow myself to fall apart because someone says that I shouldn't do something. It only drives me to prove them wrong. To prove to myself that I can do it.
It's those days that I push through it. I give myself the pep talk I give my friends. If you're going to look at the past only do so at a glance of your successes. Don't look at your so called failures. Then push forward to strive to do better than before. No one is perfect. All you can do is your best and with each time you do something you will improve. Like the wise Yoda says, "Do or do not. There is no try." That is so true on so many levels.
If you want to write a book. Then write a book. If you want to learn how to walk on your hands, then start doing push ups and practice your hand stands. Cause you can learn to walk on your hands. If you want to learn a language, then you can learn it.
Life is far from easy and if it can pull you down, down it will. Like any good fighter you have to keep getting back up. It may take more and more time occasionally to get back up, but it's those who keep getting back up head held high that are the ones that reach their goals in the end.
That's why I write a lot of positive pep talk like posts on here. Not just for you all, but for me. Selfish as it sounds. It's something that I'd rather be selfish about. I mean seriously, there are worst things to be selfish about.
Personally I'd like to reach my goal of being able to do what I love while making a living at it. And as stubborn as I am it's hard for me to ask for a pep talk when I need it. I wallow a little. I procrastinate. I criticize myself for beating myself up and then I put my big girl panties and tell myself to man up. But your a girl? How can you man up? Well let me tell you this...if I can bleed for a week and not die. If I can survive everything that I've been through. Even playing rugby with the boys, then by damn it I can tell myself to man up and grow some balls. In my case ovaries.
If you just sit there complaining and wallowing about what everyone one else is doing then you are never going to do it. So, I give pep talks while I talk about my struggles in writing. I give pep talks in the good news, the new lessons I learn and the adventures I take in the process of reaching my goals.
Fuck Misery. Fuck Depression. Fuck Doubts. Fuck the naysayers. Fuck negativity from others and yourself. Fuck everyone else who judges you for doing what you love doing. Fuck people who don't understand. Fuck what you are 'supposed' to do. Fuck the people who say you aren't good enough. Fuck yourself for doubting that you're not good enough.
"Of course you would write that." I've had people close to me say. Same goes with reading, watching, etc. Well no SHIT! I read, watch, and write genres that I enjoy. Why else would I spend so much of my time pursuing it.
This is why I write pep talks. For those who might randomly stumble across my blog who are in need of something a little positive. For those who are curious about learning about the writing world, cause I'm going to keep writing about my every step of my journey. Most importantly for myself.
If you don't face your fears of success and of failure then you are never going achieve it. So, fuck it, go and follow your dreams no matter where they may lead you. It's never an easy way there so bring your sledge hammer to help break down those barriers. And if you do have tears that fall, let them be tears of joy for when you bypass those barriers. Let them be tears of realization that you can do it. Of relief and not tears of regret or defeat.
I am a warrior.
I am a writer.
I fight my battles to be able to give someone something to use as an escape. I fight my battles to help people get through those hard times that they can't see the light. I fight my battles so that I can keep the light lit at the end of my tunnel that is always at odds with the little flame that wants to stay lit.
I am not alone. No matter how much it might feel at times.
I am me. Love me or hate me. Either way I will not change who I am for anyone. And neither should you.
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