Procrastination...

...I am your Queen. With the looming deadline of sending my work to an editor coming soon I'm finding it harder and harder to focus. Wanting one last run through of the manuscript before I send it, I'm finding it like torture. Don't get me wrong. I love my story. I love my characters. I just want to fix everything, which is overwhelming. Seeing everything that I want or need to fix instead of taking it one step at a time is terrifying and feels a bit like you're drowning just barely able to keep your head above the water.

Refusing to let that overwhelming feeling chase away my determination to get this done, I find that I'm still procrastinating. Getting stuff done, yes, but procrastinating far more than I should be. As much as I'd like to blame it on feeling like I'm starting to get sick, I blame the carrier monkey (sick coworkers, you know who you are), but in reality it's not that.

Someone has said that great writers are also great procrastinators. I call shenanigans on that. Great writers are those who get shit done. They don't let the fear of failure, the fear of success, or distractions get in the way of getting their work done. Okay, not just done but to keep improving on what they do and getting it out to the public. Yes, writers are easily distracted at times, but if I was as great a procrastinator as I am a writer, then well I'd be farther along in my career that I currently am.

Over the week as I acknowledge how bad my inability to focus is, I realized something rather profound in my case. While yes I have ADD and do find it hard to focus at times, the underlaying reason I'm not glued to my MS every free moment I'm awake is fear.

What do I have to fear? A lot, but it's what you do with that fear that will determine the outcome of what you are trying to achieve. Wait, you still haven't talked about what you are afraid of exactly. Ok, you caught me I'm trying to avoid that question.

What is this avoidance? Isn't that what procrastination is? *ding ding ding ding* you got that right. I'm terrified of what my editor will say of my work. I'm ready to defend every decision I've made in it, but I've been on the defense for so long that I can't help this gut instinct. But here's the ironic thing, I'm so excited that I cant express it in words that I think I've found the right editor that I have confidence in everything that he will tell me about my work will only make it better. He wont tear me apart telling me that I should never have started writing in the first place. No, this person is here to teach me everything that I'm not able to fully comprehend from reading writing manuals.

Yet, there is an inherent fear of failure along with success. If I fail the only way I can go is up. But if I succeed, then the bar is set. With each and every book I do from then on I have to do better. Which is what I want to do. i want to keep improving, but what if I can't stand up to the standards that people have of me?

Hence where procrastination comes in. This is a way for my brain to compartmentalize what I'm feeling. What my brain hasn't quite understood yet is by putting of the work I should be doing I'm only building up what i have to do closer to the deadline. Which only putts more pressure and stress on myself. So, why am i do that to myself? Cause I'm a bit of a masochist. I need to feel something before I can pour myself completely into my work. While this works best when creating new work, I'm finding it harder to do with revisions.

So, here I am with one week to finish a crap ton of work before I can hit send on an email to my editor. Which is a huge step in my career path. I'm finally taking that big step to getting closer to publishing. Which is exactly what I want.

Procrastination will have no room in my schedule if I'm to get this done in time. Sorry my old friend procrastination, but I have something far more important to get done if I'm to battle the fear that you hold so dear.

Quick someone take my crown before I take it back! Don't let the fear and procrastination take over your life. Hopefully in next weekends update, I will be able to post a victorious "IT'S SENT!" post. No I take that back, I'm determined to get that post up and done next weekend. And with that I'm off to dive in to the nonstop work that I have to do.

I'm so glad that I can share this journey with you all, and it will be great to finally be able to post more about the progress I've made in my career. There is no stand still or steps back, just progress...and epic battles with procrastination.